How I recover my skin from breakout?

Hello guys!! I’m back again with an entry as I promised in the last entry. Since you guys don’t know, my face started to break out masa I guna one beauty set dari local product. But not to mention it here sebab probably my face yang tak sesuai, huhu I’m not blaming the brand :) But still, erghh! 😞 Jenuh juga nak cuba pelbagai jenis skincare yang boleh heal semuanya…..😣 *mengeluh lagi*

But now, alhamdulillah my face dah 95% recover. Lagi 5% flaws. Hahahaha yelah mana ada orang perfect kan! Takde orang flawless lah kat dunia sebab we’re human ok! Tolonglah accept the fact yang semua orang ada flaws masing-masing ok!! Eh emosi pula huh.

Let’s get started.

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(BEFORE)

SKINCARE ROUTINE

Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser 

NP : RM28.50

Ini cleanser yang I guna and sumpah its MY HOLY GRAIL!!! I started guna ni Nov 16 jadi dah 8 bulan dan ni my 5^th bottle already. I usually beli yang 250ml sebab yelah….mahel 😢

Mula-mula guna I tak berapa nak suka sebab tak foamy. Tapi takpe lah, ku relakan jua. Walaupun tak berbuih, tapi bila sental-sental kat muka ni, bila basuh dengan air, rasa bersih pulak muka ni hahaha. Jadi untuk korang yang memang nak heal fast, ni memang highly highly recommended!

Tapi mungkin it works differently. Sebab my friend dia keluar acne lepas tu baru okay. Macam I sendiri, tak keluar acne mungkin sebab sebelum ni memang I dah banyak guna drugstore products. Korang yang sensitive skin boleh cuba sebab sensitive skin ni tak banyak product yang boleh suits well dengan kita punya skin. Cuba dulu dan lihat hasilnya.

Hada Labo Super Hyaluronic Acid Hydrating Lotion 

NP : RM 64

Basically I guna ni as a toner. Satu-satunya faktor I beli ni sebab I baca 2 or 3 blog yang review pasal this toner dan toner ni katanya satu botol akan terjual setiap 4 saat di Jepun. Kira ni best-seller dia lah. Kau gila taknak beli?!?! 😱  Dia punya excited rasa macam nak beli time tu jugak! Haha lagipun toner ni ada Super Hylouronic Acid which is korang boleh google macam mana dia helps dalam mengembalikan kulit idaman korang. Haha tak la, untuk pengetahuan korang, 1 gram Hyalouronic Acid bersamaan dengan 6 liter air. Jadi dia berupaya untuk mengekalkan kelembapan kat muka korang. Dan sebenarnya, haritu I pergi pharmacy dan baru tahu pekerja sana cakap rupanya yang oren ni untuk kulit kering sebab yang ni agak pekat sikit. Kalau untuk kulit berminyak yang hijau sebab dia cair sikit. Tapi so far I pakai okay je.

Dalacin T 

NP : RM 40

THIS IS FREAKING MAGIC IN THE BOTTLE!! 🌟✨ Ni korang boleh dapatkan kat pharmacy. Tak sure drugstore ada ke tak benda ni. Harga dia mahel sikit la sbb botol kecik tapi kalau korang memang banyak acne, highly highly recommend this! It’s worth sumpah I tak tipu! Masa I beli ni, pharmacist tu ada pesan. Kalau you guna ni then gatal, stop sebab mungkin tak sesuai. But I pakai okay je and all my bumps hilang. Actually I banyak bumps dekat dahi, pipi dan I malu nak keluar and I rimas. Acne pun ada dan macam lambat gila nak baik kalau dia naik. Lepas tu tangan pulak gatal asyik nak picit je sebab benci tengok kat muka. Tapi lepas guna ni I sabar je dan in one day tu banyak kali I sapu sebab nak fast result hahahaha. Now Alhamdulillah bumps dah totally hilang dan jerawat pun kalau pms baru naik. Pastu kalau I apply dalacin t ni, dalam 2 hari dah kecut huhuhu 

Organic Aid Vitamin E 

NP : RM 19

Mula-mula I pakai ni as a moisturiser, tapi since kulit I oily tak boleh pakai yang cream sebab dia akan jadi lagi oily. Tapi sebab dia ada vitamin E, I pakai jugak untuk duduk rumah je lah. Bila pakai, dia memang tak sticky tau tp entah la bila apply foundation, rasa macam super duper oily. Which is not good ye anak-anak! 👎

Lagi oily your skin, lagi banyak clogged pores, lagi bermaharajalela acne tu 😂

Hada Labo Hydrating Water Gel

 NP : RM 10

Okay since my skin is oily, moisturiser yang sesuai adalah yang jenis water based atau gel. So I beli ni sebab dah cam susah nak cari moisturiser gel yang mur mur hehe. Bajet nak rendah je kan sebab tu beli trial set hahaha. So bila nak keluar dan nak kena pakai foundation, I akan pakai moisturiser ni so kulit akan less oily. Dan lama-lama dah tak oily. Serious cakap sekarang bangun pagi pun dah tak oily. Kalau tak cuci muka beberapa hari pun dah tak oily. 

T3 Pimple Solution 

NP: RM 10.50

Yang ni I guna kadang-kadang kalau pms sebab biasanya jerawat naik seketul dua je. Biasanya ambil masa 2-3 hari nak kecut. My friend yang recommend ni sebab katanya yang ni tak tinggalkan scars. Yang purple tinggal scars. Tak sure sejauh mana betul kata-kata dia tapi I guna yang ni memang tak tinggal parut.

Bio Essence Bird’s Nest + Peptides Plumping Capsule Essence 

NP : RM 79

Essence ni I guna untuk moisturise my skin je. Pump sikit je and dab dab kat muka. Dan I anggap sebagai additional skincare dalam memperoleh kulit idaman I hahaha. Tak nampak sangat apa effect dia sebab I pakai sikit dan jarang-jarang sebab I tak rasa I akan beli lagi kalau habis ni. Tapi since dia dari bird’s nest so I anggap it will work the way it used to be. Hope so lah hahaha 😌

Bio Essence Bird’s Nest + Peptides Bouncy Overnight Mask 

NP : RM 69

Masa ni goal I adalah untuk heal je bukan untuk flawless nak mampos pon! Boleh heal pun dah bersyukur sangat dah. So since bird’s nest ni bagus, so why not I cuba. But sumpah dia punya texture sumpah best! Dia macam dadih tau lembut lembut camtu then bila you sentuh, dia pecah then in 5 secs dia kembali bentuk asal. Like seriously best gila main hahahaha. Tapi I tak pakai every night sebab takut habis huhu. So far okay la kalau pakai at night bangun pagi tu muka lembut dan tak oily. Untuk prevent jerawat, kena pastikan muka tak oily dulu sebab kulit oily ni la yang mengundang sebenarnya.

Garnier Miccellar Cleansing Water 

NP : RM14.50

The most important thing is make sure you remove all the excess make up. Tak kira la light make up ke heavy make up ke please please please remove all the make up. Tapi since yang ni memang water semata and bila you remove make up memang tak rasa oily! Dan takde excess dirt langsung! Rasa pun memang macam basuh dengan air which is so freaking good!👍👍 Sebab kita memang nak kurangkan penggunaan oil pun kat muka ni! Rasanya bioderma pun ada cleansing water tp pricey la sikit hekhek

Bio Essence Miracle Bio Water 

NP : RM 30

Sorry gambar google haha sebab sekarang dah tak pakai dah. Tapi dulu 3 botol jugak sempat pakai. I tak tau nak cakap tapi I akan pakai ni bila I dah sangat malas nak apply skincare. Zuupp spray and I’m done. Tapi dia best tau! Sejuk. Memang miracle. Dan masa I break out tu I memang akan pakai foundation masa keluar untuk cover semua tu tapi lepas tu I akan spray ni sebab I tahu kalau break out tak boleh pakai apa-apa tapi dalam masa yang sama I nak cover all that flaws dan dalam masa yang sama juga I nak healing process berlaku kat muka I. FAHAM TAK?! 

Can you see the struggles? 😫

Guardian Aloevera Gel 

NP : RM7.50

Break out dengan aloevera ni memang mainstream kan. Ni I akan apply malam sebelum tidur kalau tak pakai bio essence overnight mask tu. Dan I akan pakai bila-bila I rasa macam nak pakai. Ramai yang recommend aloe vera nature republic tu tapi entah la. Sebab I fikir aloevera je pun hahaha

Flower Bedak Sejuk 

NP : RM 4

Hahahahaha kelakar kan? Mostly every person yang I tanya mesti akan cakap bedak sejuk ni the true cure untuk bumps. Sebelum ni I ada cuba another bedak sejuk yg I beli dekat kedai jamu. Dah lah mahal, busuk pula tu. Then I beli yang ni dekat kedai biasa dan murah je. Dalam sehari I akan rajinkan diri pakai 1-2 kali. Sebab benda ni bila dia kering dia berhabuk itu yang buat rasa tak selesa. But yes! Kalau korang banyak bumps, cuba ni. Pakai banyak kali dalam sehari pun takpe sebab tak membahayakan your skin pun. Lagi banyak kali pakai lagi cepat heal. Taknak ke? 😏

NATURAL REMEDIES

Cinnamon + Honey

Masa first I pakai cinnamon, dia sangat-sangat burn kulit i. Ya Allah rasa macam nak nangis pedih gila. Dalam 3-4 kali yang first pakai tu pedih. Lepas tu pedih tu fades slowly sekarang dah tak pedih dah. I guna ni untuk hilangkan scars sebab I memang tak guna cream apa-apa untuk scars sebab mula-mula niat memang nak hilangkan jerawat ni semua dulu tak fikir pasal scars pun. Dan lepas semua dah hilang ada beberapa yang tinggalkan scars so I just buat homemade je sebab rasa sayang duit haha. Dan sebab scars je pun kalau keluar boleh cover guna concealer so sebab tu I rasa okay je kalau lambat pun nak hilangkan scars ni. 

Cucumber + Lime

I started pakai ni sebab nak hilangkan pigmentation. I ada pigment guys tapi sikit je tapi normal la kan? Well, adik neelofa pun ada tau! Yang ni I simpan dalam peti. Bila sejuk dan sapu kat muka rasa segar lah sikit muka ni. Tapi I tak rasa pigmentation I hilang tapi rasa segar yesss nora bagi 5 bintang. Ni I letak dalam botol dan apply guna facial cotton dan I notice lepas apply, dia brighten up my skin a bit dan I rasa kalau guna secara konsisten dia insyaAllah hasil mesti wow. 

Tapi korang ingat I rajin ke? 

Tak 😧

So, setakat ni je la I yang mampu share and I hope it helps! Sorry kalau panjang lebar. Dan harga I bagi tu adalah normal price which is I tak beli dengan harga tu pun. Biasanya I akan buka website Guardian/Watson untuk compare harga dan baru beli. I faham betapa complicatednya perasaan you guys masa break out, I know you guys struggling a lot. I bersyukur sangat I dah totally healed. At the first place, I cuma nak skin macam dulu. It’s okay tak flawless putih melepak cam orang lain. Now, my skin is back to normal. And I dah tak rasa insecure kalau keluar tak pakai apa-apa.

Mission accomplished ✓

Lots of love, FG💕

My Ever Used Cleanser

Hai assalamualaikum.

Harini rasa terdetik di hati nak share types of cleanser that I ever used for my face. I’m not showing off but to help girls out there yang bermasalah nak pilih cleanser yang suitable with their own skin. It’s hard kan to make a decision? Yes. I’ve experienced it before. That’s why I come out with this entry to help you guys. Come on, dah nak masuk 2017 takkan nak buat entry pasal cinta lagi. Lagipun. I’m sharing. Sharing is caring right?

First of all in choosing a cleanser, kena tahu your types of skin. Like me, I have sensitive skin. Before I proceed further, let me remind you that what works on me might not works on you and what works on you might not works on me. Dalam entry ni I will review cleanser yang I pernah guna and how it works on me. 

So, let’s get started!

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Skin Natural Light Complete Cleanser Foam 

Garnier is my first cleanser I used when I was 15! Nothing much to review sebab ia okay je dan ia cuma kekalkan kulit tanpa meninggalkan kesan teruk ke apa. So, nothing different.

Safi Balqis Perfect 10

Cleanser ni pun sama. Ia okay sebab tak worsen ke apa. Cuma Safi ni bila pakai ia akan mosturise your skin dan kulit rasa lembut. Those yang nak kulit nampak natural boleh pakai Safi sebab my friend pakai Safi dari dulu sampai sekarang sumpah flawless gila. It's worth.

Safi Sari Susu Manggis

Lepas habis je cleanser Safi Balqis Perfect 10, I upgraded to Safi Sari Susu Manggis atas recommendation my sister. This cleanser is for brightening and mosturising dan baunya sangaaatt wangi! Dalam 2 tahun lebih la I use this cleanser and memang nampak effect dia. Tapi tak boleh la you guna seminggu then you expect your skin become brighter. Ni bukan produk putih dalam 3 hari tau. No no no!

Collagen Plus Vitamin C

This skincare I beli senyap-senyap with my teacher sebab my mom marah pakai product sembarangan lagi-lagi collagen ni sebab muda-muda ni collagen banyak lagi katanya. Masa tu I was 17 ramai classmates I guna pastu putih, flawless bak hang! So, I have myself a try. Memang in a week dah boleh tengok kesan dia. Memang muka glowing, brighter, flawless but then, my face je yang brighter, my hands not. So, I stop. Lepas I stop then baru kecoh its night cream ada merkuri. So, I continue again dengan Safi Manggis.

Safi Balqis White Trilogy Pomegranate Oil & Acne Control

Out of all Safi products, this is the best! Cleanser ni 2 in 1 with cleanser + toner. Save cost. While I’m washing my face, muka rasa sejuk sangat maybe sebab zarah-zarah kecil tu kot yang bertindakbalas. Kot hahaha. Lepas tu bila dah lepas basuh rasa fresh pastu muka rasa clean sangat! Ia memang betul-betul cleanse your skin. Sumpah best yang ni. Masa guna yang ni, I tak missed wash my face twice a day. Kadang-kadang kalau class petang cancel, balik terus cuci muka sebab best! Highly recommended for those yang nak save cost but at the same time, nak result yang wow!

Babies Blink

This is the start of pimples mula bermaharajalela on my face. I’m use it in 2 weeks je tak silap sebab dah banyak pimples yang naik. I use BB ni sebab my cousin yg recommend. So I have a try. Why not kan? But it really doesn’t work tapi buatkan muka I sangat teruk :(  But ada my friend yang dah almost 2 years guna this product and okay. Flawless gila. So its depend on your skin types actually. So, I continue dengan Safi Pomegranate and alhamdulillah, my face becomes better even tak fully recovery. Pimples still ada. Sobs.

Sebamed

I guna sebamed ni sebab nawaitu nak heal my skin by using products from pharmacy la kononnya. So I’m using 2 types of cleanser; Sebamed Clear Face Antibacterial Cleansing Foam and Sebamed Clear Face Cleansing Bar. First I guna Cleansing Bar, after that baru guna Cleansing Foam. But I’ve no idea, bila lepas wash my face, kulit rasa kering sangat. Rasa tak selesa. Memang tak selesa la cite dia. Bila dah nampak it just makes my skin worser, I let my hands off it. Bye bye sebamed.

Mafaz Beauty

Again. I let myself try another brand of local products which is Mafaz Beauty. Rasa tertarik nak beli ni sebab I saw the testimonies, ramai kot dari orang yang kenal. Bukan sorang dua, 4 5 orang camtu yang memang kita tahu keadaan skin diorang macam mana. So, beli. Tak habis satu set pun, I stop sebab tetiba banyak pulak jerawat pasir yang naik. Stress wei. Lepas pada product ni, I swear to myself there will no more local products for me. Sebab my skin memang tak boleh adapt dengan bahan dalam local products sebab I have sensitive skin.

Bio Essence Tanaka White

Lepas I stop Mafaz, I took around 2 months tak pakai any cleanser sebab nak kulit I boleh bernafas dengan free. So after 2 months, I decided nak try Bio Essense punya products. I started using this product dalam February 2016. Baru lagi. Alhamdulillah, dia memang heal my skin tapi macam lambat la. Tapi sepanjang I pakai tu, ada la perubahan tak la banyak sangat pimples tapi ada la lagi. Tapi kurang. Sebab product tanaka white ni bukan untuk pimples actually, it's more to brightening your skin.  Dalam 5 months juga I pakai ni before I upgrade to another Bio Essense Product.

Simple Moisturizing Facial Wash

Okay macam mana I boleh jump to Simple sedangkan Bio Essence dah okay dengan my skin. Masa tu cleanser bio essence dah nak habis and I terfikir pasal Simple ni because we all know produk Simple ni memang formulated untuk sensitive skin. So, since I have sensitive skin rasanya tak salah kalau mencuba. Product ni dia oil-free, fragrance-free, colourless so bila I wash my face, I tak rasa fresh dan clean. Rasa macam tak cuci muka. Perasaan rimas sebab tak cuci muka rasa macam bendasing je kat muka rasa tak selesa. Camtu la. So I pakai dalam 1 week je pastu I stop. Huhu

Bio Essence Bird Nest + Peptides

Dan macam mana pula I boleh pakai product bird nest ni? Ok masa tu I pergi guardian nak beli cleanser tanaka white. But then, masa nak bayar cashier situ cakap bio essense ada launched product baru iaitu bird nest untuk jerawat. So, I just grab yang bird nest trial set. Masa I pakai ni baru rasa macam week by week kulit makin soft dan pimples kurang. Lepas tu terus I pergi guardian beli yang Value Pack terus. Dalam 4 months I guna ni, totally sangat berpuas hati! Sangat sangat! Sampai ada beberapa orang yang tanya I pakai cleanser apa. And jawapan cliché ”Alaa pencuci muka biasa-biasa je” Masa tu I lagi yakin nak teruskan dengan product bird nest ni. Thumbs Up.

Hada Labo AHA BHA

Now, I pakai ni dalam a month baru kot. Sayangkan keyakinan tu tak bertahan lama. Bila I dah rasa muka I dah okay, so I decided nak cari product yang boleh kekalkan my skin macam ni. So I jumpa Hada Labo AHA BHA ni. So, AHA dan BHA tu apa? AHA stands for Alpha Hydroxy Acid and  BHA stands for Salicylic Acid. Basically, AHA dan BHA ni tujuannya adalah untuk buang sel kulit mati pada luaran kulit kita ni supaya sel kulit yang sihat dapat muncul di permukaan kulit kita. Senang cakap, dia gantikan sel kulit yang dah mati ke kulit yang baru ha camtu. Jadi, warna kulit akan lebih sekata no more kulit kusam dan pori-pori tersumbat juga akan hilang jadi kulit kita dapat la menyerap oksigen dengan lebih baik. I pakai ni every morning sebab I combine dengan cetaphil at night. Pakai yang ni kan, after you rub your face, bila part nak wash dengan water tu, bila you splash water at your face, you boleh rasa macam buih-buih halus pecah-pecah kat muka. I rasa. Blup blup blup. Lepas tu tengok cermin rasa kulit bersih sangat! 

Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser

Erm cetaphil ni takyah explain pun takpe kot sebab dah ramai dah tahu cetaphil ni memang works for all types of skin even baby pun boleh guna. So far, I combine 2 cleanser which is Hada Labo in the morning and Cetaphil at night. But cetaphil ni, texture dia lebih kurang macam Simple oil-free, fragrance free, colourless tapi ajaibnya walaupun texture dia macam tu, still lepas wash my face, I rasa clean! Lagi pun cleanser ni bukan irritating cleanser sebab tu ia sesuai walaupun you have sensitive skin. It will keep your skin smooth and soft.

I am now at the state of I just nak kekalkan kulit I like today. Takpe lah tak putih melepak macam orang lain pun asalkan ia kekalkan naturality of my skin and I want to treat it naturally. That’s why I lebih prefer drugstore products rather than local products. But if you trust local products will work on you, then it’s okay because what’s work on you might not work on me and what’s work on me might not work on you.

I hope perkongsian yang tak seberapa ni will help! My next entry would be “My Skincare Routine”. Adios. 

Midst of her hardship.

Delete her number. 

Stop calling her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.

Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, her eyebrows (used to be your favourite part to stare at when you met her) or the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, or the fact that she loves you.

She loves you.

She has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, making you sleep with the sound of zikrullah sang by her, and how hard she wants to let you go for sleep. Forget how was her good night wishes. 

Forget her.

Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.

Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.

That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her. A constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reach out to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?


She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now.

But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.

A girl now turns to a woman

Ya Allah rasa cam tak percaya umur dah masuk 2 series. Rasa macam semalam baru belajar merangkak ya Allah! Cliché bukan? Menyampah blah.

Phase from a girl is now changed to a woman. Phase from a unmature girl is now changed to such a professional woman. Professional to handle feelings. Tak kira la love ke hatred ke. Professional. Tu keyword dia. Kalau ini kau takde, jangankan matang yang kau idam, kena gertak sikit pun belum tentu kau reti diam.

Tak. Ini bukan masa aku cakap pasal orang lain, ini pasal aku. Aku yang terlebih obsession dengan boyfriend sendiri. Bila bunyi je ‘double beep’ yang memang dah di-set-kan untuk private whatsapp, tak kira berapa batu aku berada, aku akan terus memecut merentasi halangan-halangan yang ada dalam kelajuan 80km/j. Pergh gila. Memang gila. Tapi tu dulu la, masa aku girl.

Aku yang kind of desperation dengan boyfriend sendiri. Desperate of his time. Kalau boleh lepas balik sekolah, nak message. Masa kelas malam pun nak message. Sehari nak message je. Kalau cuti tu nak message je doplohpat jam. Macam la dia tu takde life nak layan aku je. Bodoh aku ni nampak no desperate hahaha. Tapi tu dulu la, masa aku girl.

Aku sampai tahap insecurity dengan boyfriend sendiri. Ternampak like dia dekat status perempuan lain dekat facebook, haa bersiap sedia lah dia nak hadap aku dalam bilik gelap ala-ala gerak khas. Nampak dia online terus angina gila datang dengan siapa dia whatsapp. Pastu taknak dia main futsal malam-malam. Taknak dia keluar lepak dengan kawan-kawan. Taknak dia hang out hujung minggu. Sampai tahap dia nak gi pasar dekat rumah pun aku rasa insecure. Tapi tu dulu la, masa aku girl.

Itu baru belum cerita jealousy lagi. Setiap benda nak jealous. Kadang-kadang benda tu tak jealous pun tapi mungkin terikut-ikut dengan fitrah seorang girl bercinta mesti kena jealous, jadi aku perlu jealous. Kena jealous! Tapi tu dulu la, masa aku girl.

Sebenarnya aku sendiri yang perasan perubahan dalam diri aku ni. Dan keadaan sekeliling aku yang menyedarkan aku tentang ni. Terfikir jap kenapa aku tak lagi kuat merajuk cam dulu. Kenapa aku tak lagi mengongkong. Kenapa aku tak lagi buat something ikut kepala aku. Aku cam taknak keruhkan air yang jernih, kalau aku rasa benda yang aku nak merajuk tu tak penting, aku lupakan je. Aku teruskan kehidupan cam biasa. Senang cakap, I don't give a fuck. It's weird kau tahu? Sebab aku asalnya TAK MACAM TU PON! Cuma sekarang when something happened, aku lebih banyak terkilan daripada marah-marah. Dan aku just diam sorang-sorang takde lagi nak meroyan. 

Sekarang…

Aku dah faham, hubungan yang matang tu tak perlukan masa 24 jam bersama, cukup la ada sekeping hati saling mempercayai antara satu sama lain as long as masing-masing tahu what is the object of our affection. That's it. Dan tika aku menaip ni, aku tahu dia tengah bersusah-payah berusaha mencari rezeki. Semenjak dua menjak aku pun tengah busy ni, aku pandang semua ni dari sudut yang sangat positif, of course la untuk positifkan hati aku sekali kalau tak gaduh je keje. Semua ni mendidik aku untuk sabar tau! Ini serious cakap, bukan nak tunjuk baik ke apa. Tak tahu cemana aku boleh se-positif ni. Aku berbangga dengan diri aku sendiri cewah. Bak kata ‘Ariff Farhan “Kau sabar lah. Dia ada komitment dengan kerja. Kumpul asset. Nanti kahwin, kau pulak komitment dia. Kau ingat senang ke jadi laki *emoji gelak sambil nangis 2 kali*. Setiap masa nak whatsapp, nak jumpa takleh gak hahahaha. Dia tengah usaha realisasikan cita-cita dia. Cita-cita kau sekali.”

Sekarang…

Aku sedar, kadang-kadang aku pun nak ada masa dengan kawan. Aku pun nak ikut kawan aku pergi sana pergi sini. Well, we are too young to be shackled. Live your life peeps! Haha acah, takde la. Tapi itu la, kita pun nak bebas kan, kena manfaatkan masa remaja kita ye. Remaja ni sekali je tau. Nanti tua turns to baby balik bukan turns to remaja. Tak, kat sini bukan ini point aku, zaman remaja zaman study ni la kau nak create moments dengan kawan. Aku kadang-kadang rasa nak blame diri sendiri weh sebab buat dia macam tu dulu. Patut la dia stress je dengan aku. Mesti dalam hati dia selalu camni “Pehal doh pompuan ni nak kongkong aku. Natang” Hahaha mohon jangan pernah luahkan di mulut! Duh tak dapat nak gambar tahap keciwanya aku di skala berapa :’(

Sekarang….

Cemburu? Entah la aku rasa aku okay je dia nak like status perempuan lain ke, nak berbalas comment dengan kawan perempuan dia ke. Because I did the same things too. As long as ianya relevant lah kan. Kalau boleh aku taknak la semakkan hubungan aku ni dengan pergaduhan cemburu buta disebabkan orang ketiga. Not worth la dengan effort aku dan dia selama ni. Aku pernah tanya dia aku ni kuat cemburu ke. Dia cakap tak. Dia cakap aku dah pandai nilai mana yang baik, mana yg buruk untuk hungungan kita ni. Eh of course la, I’m not longer a girl hokay. Kalau bab pasang kayu tiga empat lima ni, bagi aku buat masa ni, I can still count on him. Bukan nak cakap lagak la, tapi trustworthy tu penting. Sangat penting kalau kau nak jaga hubungan kau. Memang hati manusia boleh berubah, I admit that thing but buat masa ni I can still put my trust on him. Still.

So, the conclusion is. Kehidupan ni sebenarnya mematangkan kita. Tips nak bahagia? Kita hidup dengan cara kita. Jangan hidup dengan cara orang lain. Kita bahagia dengan cara kita. Jangan bahagia dengan cara orang lain, itu hipokrit dengan diri sendiri namanya. Dan bagi aku, biarlah relationship ni selamanya menjadi private silent relationship. Sebab dia lebih selesa begitu. Dan aku pun selesa macam tu.

P/S : Terima kasih didedikasikan utk Paan sebab dah inspirasikan aku dengan ayat positif yang sangat padu lalu menjadi sumber untuk entry ni berjaya di-publish. Actually aku terharu hahaha bye.

Manusia dunia

"People take you for granted"

Pathetic bukan? Tapi tu la realiti kehidupan sekarang. Mostly. People did that thing. Then finally ask why you are leaving. 

Cikgu pernah pesan, belajar jauh-jauh bukan setakat cari ilmu je, cari pengalaman. Pengalaman hidup ni kalau nak cerita memang tak sudah. Dan bukan awak je, diri sendiri yang mengalami ni pun still don't believe that i manage to settle it down by myself. Lagi-lagi jenis yang macam ni lah. Makin membusuk. Take people for granted. Memang sengaja di bold kan sebab memang tu main point yang aku nak cakap sampai kesudahan entry ni. 

So, who should be blamed? Should i blame the person that taking me for granted? Or should i blame myself? Iya blame myself for do not know to say 'no' for the sake of friends. I hate to admit that i've hurt them. 

Bukan sekali dua kali. Berkali-kali. Orang kata, bila nak datang bila taknak buang. Bila perlu buat baik, bila tak perlu letak taik. Kadang-kadang the way they treat you pun dah tahu they only take you for granted. Cuma yang jadi berlarutan sama ada sedar atau tak. Tu je. Bukan aku tak pernah terdetik di hati, cuma aku nak tengok sampai bila diorang nak main permainan ni. Takpe sebab diorang pikir diorang buat macam mana pun aku akan tetap ada untuk diorang. Hm harap diorang ni faham la sarcasm ye... 

Penting diri sendiri? Pun ye jugak. They used you, you and you just to make their things seems perfect. To ease their journey of life. And you will be reciprocated with a single thank you. As simple as that. Anybody feel offended so far? Hehe don't worry. I still welcome you no matter what. Why? I know it's still my fault because pampering people too much when i know i was not born to please them. Not at all. 

I'm here to give friendly reminder kalau ada ter-buat kawan korang macam ni, ubah lah ye. Just in case you don't want to be treated the same, please ubah dan berubah. Kalau awak boleh berdiri di atas kaki sendiri, kenapa tangan mesti bergantung pada orang lain. Live your life. Kena berani lepaskan tangan. Sebab kawan, bila-bila je boleh tolak awak jatuh sembbang pah lata. Nanti kang free free je dapat malu em emm. 

Apa pun ujian dunia, hadap lah. Kalau rasa tak mampu, gagahkan langkah. Kalau rasa tak boleh jugak, berani kan lah. Dalam al-Quran dah jelas, tidaklah Allah menguji hambaNya diluar batas kemampuan hambaNya. Jadi, tiada apa yang kita tak mampu hadap. Cuma diri yang kadang-kadang penat nak meneruskan perjuangan hidup. Penat bila perkara yang jadi benda sama je. Penat nak fahamkan orang apa yang kita rasa. Sampai bila orang sekeliling terluka, aku rasa perkataan maaf tu aku dah tak mampu nak kata. Lantaklah nak jadi apa. Malas ambil tahu. Mapuh mu ah. Malas. 

Hakuna Matata

Tak memiliki tak semestinya tak dapat merindui bukan? Semua berhak merindui dan dirindui. Rindunya pada mereka yang dah pergi seterusnya menamatkan episod mereka dalam hidup ini. Tapi yang setulus rinduinya itu ialah hanya pada Rabbul Izzati.

Andai kata aku diberi hak dan kuasa untuk memilih siapa dan menghalang mereka dari masuk dan pergi dari hidup aku kan senang. Yang masih diperlukan, pergi. Yang teguh kesetiaan, masih di sisi. Yang tiada kepentingan, sekejap hilang sekejap ke mari. Disebabkan tujuan hidup yang masih lagi tak pasti.

Kawan aku tak ramai. Cukuplah classmates gila-gila yang menceriakan hari aku dari dulu sampai sekarang. Aku sangat kurang kawan luar yang sesi perkenalannya bermula di alam maya ataupun perlanggaran sesama sendiri di kolej mahupun pada senyuman pertama yang memikat ibarat dari mata turun ke hati. Tiada. Dalam erti kata lain, aku bukanlah seorang yang 'friendly' melayan semua orang di alam realiti mahupun di group whatsapp yang sesi ta'rufnya hanya lah di skrin smartphones yang seringkali 'last seen' dan 'double blueticks' menjadi kontroversi.

Tapi masih ada yang pergi. Jadi yang tinggal sekarang boleh kira dengan jari. I dont like new people. Knowing new people is just like i have to start it from the beginning and you should know how much i hate that trifling matters. Hm so.. if you are still here, with me... I'll let you know that i really appreciate it. Eventhough i can't set my hopes too high cause every hello ends with a goodbye.

For those who leave, it was a bitter pills for me. Tapi siapa kita nak halang. Yang pergi, biar pergi. At least you guys still popped on my mind... kadang-kadang. Well, at least better than none kan?

Admitting from my deepest heart, i miss you.

Take note, girl.

There are a few things I think you should know, as you now the object of his affection. 

Don't let it surprise you, how quickly you fall for him, and don't be apprehensive in letting yourself fall. He'll be there to catch you. Don't let my social network intimidate you. There were some pictures of me and him, and while I hate to admit it, the pictures are a thing of past. 

He is taken down most of them by now. He may not talk about me to you. And he didn't talk to his friends about it when it ended. It was a beautiful one-sided love story, but you are his future now. We don't know each other, and I am sure you already don't like me. I resented you slightly when I first found out, but we do have something wonderful in common, and it connects us whether we like to admit it or not. 

Don't worry. I won't text him or like his posts on social media. I can't tell you every secret because it took me time to figure that out myself. But just trust that there are reasons he doesn't say what you want him to, and there are reasons he doesn't do what you want. 

Trust me, he will spoil you from time to time, but he is wise with his expenses. He spends money only when he needs to. You are going notice how he gets excited like a child when it comes to certain things and learn to hear giggle in his laugh. You'll find out his favourite movie and he'll make you sit through it. You'll notice how he loves watching movies and how he might do it more than going out.

He'll get mad sometimes. He has a temper, as I'm sure you have noticed, so don't take it personally. When he storm off, let him go and trust he'll always come back with a smile and his bright eyes that make you look away. He'll do whatever you ask of him and you'll rarely fight. He doesn't like advertising relationships and feelings, so don't expect that of him, just know he does love you. He may not think of you every moment, but you'll cross his mind often enough. 

He'll make you see the world in a new light, and you'll start questioning things you never knew. He has bigger dreams than he is confident enough to believe in. You'll find yourself laughing at his little catchphrases, and if you do something he doesn't like, one eyebrow will raise and you'll hear he breaths loudly. Don't make he mad. 

He is a better person because of all that, and he's found you because of failed relationships in the past. I hope you love him the way he deserves and I hope he loves you as deeply as I thougt he did me. And I hope he gives you the fairy tale I thought would once be my life.

I hope one day I can properly meet you. Like I said before, we have a connection that no one else can say they have and I'm sure you are wonderful person. He looks at who a girl is first before falling in love with her appearance. It's a rare quality in a man.

I only ask one thing of you. Don't hurt him the way he hurted me. I believe in kafarah and I believe people get what they send out to the world, but I never wish that pain upon anyone, especially him. 

Remember, I don't dislike you, but I'm being honest, I'm jealous of you. But, I have found acceptance and I'm also happy someone else gets a chance to experience what I did.